How would you handle this situation?

**Missy** · 02-16-2010, 10:33 AM

My son plays with a boy at school who comes from a family with a bad rep in our area. The only thing I know for sure is the family always smells bad and has older childeren with mental disabilities and teenage pregnancy, the rumours are the entire family has serious drug issues, the older children can be violent.

They keep inviting my son over to play and I have always made an excuse why that couldn't happen. I'm sorry if I am offending any smokers out there but that being the least of the issues is enough reason for me not to have my son in that environment, the entire family smokes, mom, dad and 3 adult children. There is no way my son will visit that house. That being said I feel terrible for the little boy there that no one will visit and have run out of excuses.

I am considering just telling the mom that I don't want my son to be exposed to second hand smoke, sorry if you want them to play together it will have to be at my house. This won't work with the upcoming event being her childs birthday.

**PhotoJohn** · 02-16-2010, 11:09 AM

you could always attend the birthday party with your son and meet the child at a central location for other play times, like the park or playground. If you meet the family for yourself you can form a more accurate opinion based on your own experience not others.

**Missy** · 02-16-2010, 12:37 PM

When they first moved here they had a birthday party for their son which we attended. I'm not just talking about 1 person having a skoke here, the house stinks so bad I can't breath, this is from my own personal experience. On several occassions I have met the family at school events and again the smell is bad, I cannot let my son go there but I am having a difficult time knowing what to say, I don't want to hurt anyones feelings.

**saltaddict** · 02-16-2010, 03:33 PM

Okay - you have been to the home and you don't want your child in the environment because of the second hand smoke...... Tell the Mom that while you have no objections to their family doing as they see fit and you and your son really love their family the prior visit made your son very ill due to the smoke and residual smoke in the home. If the party were to be outdoors then it would not be an issue but since it is inside then he will not be able to attend as the smoke and residual smoke makes his allergies really flare up.

My 9 year old does have this issue if we visit a home full of smoke or even "old" smoke smells. We have a relative that smokes in the home heavily and while they refrain from smoking when we are there the "old" lingering smoke kills her allergies and you can certainly count on her being sick for a few weeks afterward.

**Missy** · 02-16-2010, 05:15 PM

Thanks Rhonda, its not just the smoke, I really don't feel comfortable with my son going there inside or outside. Its their sons birthday but not really a party, they have only invited my son and they have invited him for a sleepover as a surprise for their son. I was considering telling them exactly that, allergies to smoke but I fear they would then plan the get together somewhere else or outside and like I said I am not comfortable with my son being in their care. I know I may sound like a total snob but one of their children is schizophrenic and has been known to go off his meds and do some pretty bizare things in the neighbourhood. I feel badly for their youngest son because no one around here invites him to anything and no one goes there but I have to look after my own childs interest first, I just don't know what to say, I have already used so many excuses. If I don't think of anything else I will try the allergy to smoke thing.

**boyesreef** · 02-16-2010, 06:57 PM

just be honest. most people are more offended by the fact that you made up lies for so long than the truth. if they really have the problems stated above, they are aware the impact on others and should understand.

**rayme07** · 02-16-2010, 07:24 PM

Originally Posted by boyesreef

just be honest. most people are more offended by the fact that you made up lies for so long than the truth. if they really have the problems stated above, they are aware the impact on others and should understand.

I agree being honest is the only way to go. Making up stories or excuses is only going to make things worse. I would tell them how you feel and if they get upset then that's just something they are going to have to deal with. Besides If I had a kid that is exactly what I would do and would not want my kids to be around people like that or at least without me being there to watch.

V · 02-16-2010, 07:30 PM

being a pr^ck or b^tch is part & parcel with being a parent, it def comes with the role.
Morality doesn't come into it- civility also cost nothing, however in the same breath, Ive been blatant with my actions in front of smoker, or anyone or anything that can taint my kids.

**SaltyDawg** · 02-16-2010, 07:54 PM

My family is #1....Rule #1 is to take care of #1
Wow,thats alot of 1's...lol

V · 02-16-2010, 09:33 PM

lol, its a mouthful that actually makes a weird kinda sense, just as long as you yourself doesn't go back to proof read it

**CarmieJo** · 02-16-2010, 11:25 PM

My son is really sensitive to smoke and like Rhonda's daughter will end up sick when exposed to it. However, I would not use allergies as an excuse unless it is true. Second hand smoke on the other hand is a legit concern. Could you explain that and ask the mom if her son can spend the night at your house?

**saltaddict** · 02-17-2010, 08:21 AM

Ok - normally I am very blunt and to the point especially when it comes to my kiddos. BUT......you must weigh the possible ramifications on your child if you are all out blunt verses telling a little white lie.
In some cases the parents would feel as if they were being attacked for their choices as well as how they are raising their child and become very defensive which in turn can make the child defensive and possibly start striking out at your child. Way back when I was young, this was not a big issue as we would just defend ourselves and go on about our business. It is hard for our children to defend themselves against some of the tactics of today's children.

Just something to think about.

**Skurvey Dog** · 02-17-2010, 08:54 PM

Wow Missy, that's a tough row to hoe there. It sounds like a catch 22. If you don't mind me asking, I didn't see where you mentioned how old your son was. It's going to take some serious thought looking at all the ramifications. I have told small "white lies" here and there to avoid hurting other's feelings, but it seems in your case, to do so, will only complicate matters instead of resolving the issue. If your son and this child are friends, the problem will not go away and if not handled properly could lead to many other problems, possibly at school even. Your remarks about one of the children in the home having a chemical imbalance/mental health issue (schizophrenia) would concern me as to the parents' mental health also and how to best talk with them. Sometimes it's not what we say, but how we go about saying what we want to say and choosing the right time to have that conversation. Also reading people's body language/posture when we are speaking with them helps us direct a conversation in the way we want it to go.

I also agree with CJo about speaking plainly and truthfully w/o pointing fingers or giving your personal choices/parental responsibilities an air of rightness and theirs of wrongness. I myself am a smoker. It is my right, but I am respectful of others. It would not hurt my feelings if someone came to me and said that they would love to come to my party, but they are not a smoker and they know that they would be bothered by any smoke smell that I may or may not have in my home. I would respect them for their honesty. Rhonda also made some very good points also.

My heart goes out to that little boy, it really does. It is so hard for a child to rise above his circumstances and find positive influences, encouragement and someone to show them there is a whole different world outside of their little box. How does your son react to you when you discourage him away from playing with the other child in that home? Is he old enough to talk to, mature enough not to repeat anything you say? For what it's worth, I might would sit down and tell my son that the party is in a home where people smoke. That smoke bothers you and that you do not want him exposed to second hand smoke. I would not mention their lack of hygene, or other things that bother you. Tell him that you want him to be able to celebrate his friend's birthday, so you are willing to invite him out for a pizza, putt putt, or some other special thing that the two might enjoy doing. That way, neither of the children will feel you are being unfair and they get to celebrate the birthday. Then, I'd find an opportunity to have a chat with the boy's mother. Honesty is the best policy.

V · 02-17-2010, 09:10 PM

all it comes down to is you Americans are tooooo soft, you never think twice about dropping bombs to level the nabours house, just as long as its in another country, but when its your "actual" next door nabour, all you here is *sniff* lol , you know i love ya, & thats my job, to throw the spanner in the works!!!!

**rayme07** · 02-18-2010, 12:22 AM

Originally Posted by V

all it comes down to is you Americans are tooooo soft, you never think twice about dropping bombs to level the nabours house, just as long as its in another country, but when its your "actual" next door nabour, all you here is *sniff* lol , you know i love ya, & thats my job, to throw the spanner in the works!!!!

Well V, all I have to say is America has changed big time especially since world war two (and its sad that it has). Now we have to worry about if we say something wrong or something offensive we may go to jail for it, or get sued for saying something offensive and to me its just plain wrong and stupid.

V · 02-18-2010, 08:37 AM

well the only natural solution bud- come to Oz, the real land of the free, cultivate our desert into another las vagas, & we'll call it even

**Missy** · 02-18-2010, 08:09 PM

Thanks everyone. My son is 9 and he has a heart of gold. This little boy at school has no other friends, my son has many friends but likes this boy and feels sorry for him. We have had him to our house and I always make some excuse why he cannot go back to theirs.

A weight has been lifted by being somewhat honest but not so much as to hurt anyone. I did tell the mom that I wasn't comfortable with my son going to her house because of the # of adults who smoked there and that I felt she had her hands full already with a house full. She asked me to reconsider and said they would smoke outside, I stuck to my guns and suggested she have her sons party at a public place, lazor tag or McDonalds, she has organized a short party at a local bowling ally and has even invited other kids. If some other kids go maybe this boy can make some other friends, I really should have been more upfront from the beginning.

Thanks again for the ideas and support.

**rayme07** · 02-18-2010, 10:24 PM

Originally Posted by V

well the only natural solution bud- come to Oz, the real land of the free, cultivate our desert into another las vagas, & we'll call it even

lol I wish but with all those poisonous spiders, snakes, and other dangerous animals I always think twice. Although having the choice of eating alligator and kangaroo anytime I want would be awesome. But then I would be a way from my family and that would suck. Its a never ending battle. lol

Originally Posted by Missy

Thanks everyone. My son is 9 and he has a heart of gold. This little boy at school has no other friends, my son has many friends but likes this boy and feels sorry for him. We have had him to our house and I always make some excuse why he cannot go back to theirs.

A weight has been lifted by being somewhat honest but not so much as to hurt anyone. I did tell the mom that I wasn't comfortable with my son going to her house because of the # of adults who smoked there and that I felt she had her hands full already with a house full. She asked me to reconsider and said they would smoke outside, I stuck to my guns and suggested she have her sons party at a public place, lazor tag or McDonalds, she has organized a short party at a local bowling ally and has even invited other kids. If some other kids go maybe this boy can make some other friends, I really should have been more upfront from the beginning.

Thanks again for the ideas and support.

No problem, I am happy the other mother understood and did not get upset.

**CarmieJo** · 02-18-2010, 10:28 PM

Missy, I am glad to hear that it worked out. Bless your son for being a friend to this other boy.

**Skurvey Dog** · 02-19-2010, 08:15 PM

That is such good news Missy. I am so glad that the two of you were able to speak openly and no one felt they needed to be defensive. Kudos to you for sticking to your guns and your beliefs. We as parents must always follow our instincts. Your son must follow after your kind heart and hopefully with the friendship between your son and that child, new doors of opportunity will be opened up to him. Love ya!

**sunny d polyp** · 02-23-2010, 02:25 PM

Can't we all just get along, hehe.

**THEJRC** · 02-24-2010, 01:20 AM

heh wow I missed this one... a bit of a background but... I myself grew up quite um... underpriveledged

One of the things that makes me the strongest and drives me is knowing what I left... and checking in from time to time (I still speak with many family members who uhm... depress me).

Long story short coming from the point of view of someone who has seen both sides (I was a coke addict at 17, sober at 20, sold my first company at 29, hopefully still going strong) the best you can do is educate and question in a smart way... questions like "do you know why that house smells like smoke?" "how do you feel about that?" "What do you think your friend would change about the situation if he/she had the power?"

Children have something we as adults dont... a NATURAL addiction to reality and truth... while they may not understand... they observe more than we could take in in any given moment. Scary I know, but teaching the right questions and logic is the answer here. if your uncomfortable let them know and let them know why!! BUT ALWAYS let them know why, and ASK what route around the situation the child would choose. I guarantee you will be suprised.

Just make sure you teach the values, they mean a lot!! In my darkest moment I turned to my grandparents who focused on values over anything else, and it shaped me quite a bit. Every person has a "stupid moment" or many.... this is normal.. think back and I'm sure you've had one or two, the best bet is to focus on educating the benefits of going the other way and letting the child make the choices. The education and open talking (notice the word open, never force) is the key! And always realize that just because the family may have trouble, the offspring may pull through. It's a matter of will.... and values! Never discount the underdog because his/her parents didnt make it.

just the 2 cents of a goofball...