The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and...
Follow your dream! Unless it's the one where you're at work in your underwear during a fire drill.
Always take time to stop and smell the roses... and sooner or later, you'll inhale a bee.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either, just leave me alone.
If you don't like my driving, don't call anyone. Just take another road. That's why the highway department made so many of them.
If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.
When I'm feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbor's dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal the neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone.
That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.
Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the "whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the- fridge-is" group.
Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.
ust remember... You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbor's car!
When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers... and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.
This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. That's the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.
It's a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.
Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel...it's cheaper than plastic surgery.
This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.
Love is like a roller coaster: when it's good you don't want to get off, and when it isn't... you can't wait to throw up.
*** Things that can and do bother the "normal" person. ***
Having to try on a pair of sunglasses with that stupid little plastic thingy in the middle of them.
The person behind you in the supermarket runs his cart into the back of your ankle. The same person that gives you a "blank stare" when you look at them.
There's always a car riding your tail when you're slowing down to find an address.
You open a can of soup and the lid falls in.
It's bad enough that you step in dog poop, but you don't realize it till you walk across your living room rug. Especailly since you don't even have a dog!
There's a dog in the neighborhood that barks at EVERYTHING.
You can never put anything back in a box the way it came.
Three hours and three meetings after lunch you look in the mirror and
discover a piece of parsley stuck to your front tooth.
You drink from a soda can into which someone has extinguished a cigarette.
You slice your tongue licking an envelope...OUCH!
Your tire gauge lets out half the air while you're trying to get a reading.
You wash a garment with one tiny tissue in the pocket, and your entire laundry comes out covered with lint.
A piece of foil candy wrapper makes electrical contact with your filling...DOUBLE OUCH!
People behind you on a supermarket line dash ahead of you to a counter just opening up.
You can't look up the correct spelling of a word in the dictionary because you don't know how to spell it!
You have to inform five different sales people in the same store that you're just browsing.
You reach under the table to pick something off the floor and smash your head on the way up.
Politically Correct ways to tell someone they are goofy:
A few clowns short of a circus.
A few fries short of a happy meal.
The wheel's spinning, but the hamster's dead.
All foam, no beer.
The butter has slipped off his pancake.
The cheese slid off his cracker.
Body by Fisher, brains by Mattel.
Warning: Objects in mirror are dumber than they appear.
Couldn't pour water out of a boot with instructions on the heel.
He fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.
As smart as bait.
Doesn't have all his dogs on one leash.
Her sewing machine's out of thread.
One fruit loop shy of a full bowl.
Her antenna doesn't pick up all the channels.
His belt doesn't go through all the loops.
Proof that evolution CAN go in reverse.
Receiver is off the hook.
Not wired to code.
Skylight leaks a little.
Her slinky's kinked.
Too much yardage between the goal posts.
Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold them together.
A photographic memory, but the lens cover is on.
During evolution his ancestors were in the control group.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Is so dense, light bends around her.
If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate.
Standing close to her, you can hear the ocean.
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but he just gargled.
She stayed on the Tilt-A-Whirl a bit too long.
Other funnies...
Making fun of born-again Christians is like hunting dairy cows with a high powered rifle and scope.
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.
He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
A day without sunshine is like, well night.
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.
Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.
She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.
You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.
Honk if you love peace and quiet.
Pardon my driving, I am reloading.
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?
Nothing is fool-proof to a sufficiently talented fool.
while you are driving and reloading.........in the US, have such names as quail-shot..dove-shot..buckshot; in Australia....are there other names for shot-loads?
V-series Productions 
USA 
icon under their name to add to their reputation. 
that pretty much covers all shell spreads 
Linear Mode
